What it feels like...

So there is this WONDERFUL song by a band called FFH called "What it feels like" and the chorus goes like this: 

"This may not be the road I would choose for me, 

But it still feels right somehow,

And I have never felt you as close to me, as I do right now

.....so this is what it feels like to be led." 

This song has made a TREMENDOUS impact on my way of thinking... especially now that I'm not in Kansas anymore! (I'm also not Dorothy nor do I have a dog named Toto BUT you get the point, this world is not what I'm used to!) So often I think, why did I deserve all this? It's to much for one person! I'm only 25 and there is a house to buy and make sure I can pay for every month, 2 teenagers to love and feed, a youth group to be an example to (which I feel like I've been failing miserably at lately) and numerous other issues I have to conquer daily.. I CAN'T DO IT GOD!!!! 

It's then in those fears, doubts and questions where God places this song in my heart and reminds me that, no I can't do anything in my own strength.... but I can do all things through HIM who GIVES me strength. My fears are most definitely conquered then but, at least then I can rest assured that God hasn't forgotten me, in fact He's gone ahead of me, He knows whats ahead... and He's still leading me forward... God is truly good isn't He? He knows life sucks and that it is just downright ugly and uneasy sometimes... yet He is with us leading us through still waters, showing us that the storms will come and go but His way is always best for us, I didn't say easiest, don't get me wrong... not easy, but it is whats best.  

So yeah, like I was saying about the song, this isn't the life I would choose for myself, if it was up to me, I'd be married with like 2 kids right now, we'd have a cute little acreage and a nice dog named rover, and my mom would be here and her and my dad and siblings would come for lunch, or we'd go there every Sunday after Church.... THAT'S a life to many people take for granted! BUT here I am, single, buying a house in town, raising 2 teenage boys with my parents both not here on Sundays for lunch.... glorious.

But I do feel those small loving reminders from God though, when I hear my boys laughing with each other (yes I call them mine, I've earned it!) or when Jeremy says "finally, I can pack a real lunch to school and it'll taste awesome!" or when I tell Alex that I'll be the proudest mom at his high school grad in a couple years (thinking he'll comment on the 'mom' thing) and he is very quick to say "yeah, probably the loudest and YOUNGEST mom there to!" :). But I think the real kicker is when my 16 year old, yells up the stairs "GOOD NIGHT, I LOVE YOU!!" yeah... those are the things that remind me, this isn't for nothing.... 

"And I have never felt you as close to me, as I do right now.... so this is what it feels like to be led...."

Well there you have it folks! my first blog, on this side of "Oz". Thanks for taking this journey with me!

Toodles! 

The heart of things...

So since my last post, here is what has been going on in my life/heart...


My Dad one day informs me that he is going to start looking for a job and will be moving to Peace River soon... So we make a plan. Dad THEN decides, the plan takes to long, so again, he informs me that he has randomly walked off his current job and is moving to Peace River... TODAY, as in that day. It was a grand time. I then thought to myself, "what about the boys?!" then began the week full of choices... and not the easy "white or brown bread?" choices it was more like "sacrifice my own child I'm in the process of adopting? or take in my brothers and make sure they are taken care of until they are of age?" yeah... that kind of decision. My heart was at war with... well my heart. I then heard some quotes that changed the way my heart felt...


 "I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me.  They have clung to me all my life."  ~Abraham Lincoln

"If you have a mom, there is nowhere you are likely to go where a prayer has not already been."  ~Robert Brault

"All women become like their mothers.  That is their tragedy.  No man does.  That's his."  ~Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, 1895

"Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother."  ~Oprah Winfrey 

These quotes reminded me of my mother, it was also so close to mothers day that I was thinking about her a lot anyway and when I read these I remembered how often my mom told me she prayed for me and wanted to support me in everything. She knew God had given me a heart that cares about others and she prayed for her kids and grandkids... even though she didn't get the chance to meet them. God gave her a heart that sacrificed day after day to make us kids happy and she prayed that we would in turn, follow her example and love God and our kids like she loved us. I was blessed to have such a beautiful woman to guide me and pray for me all those years..... anyway, now I'm rambling.... BACK to my story!

I felt like if my mom could make those sacrifices and pray for me all those years... I could do the same, people keep telling me I am so much like her anyway!... So I made the difficult choice to put my adoption on hold and am in the process to become a legal guardian for two teenage boys. I'll also be buying the house my dad was living in so that they have a place to call home..... It blows my mind how God works and changes our lives when we just let it go. These choices have been SO hard to make, I have face many trails and down days in between but through it all God is good. There have been many verses that have encouraged me along the way, God has used His Word to show me how HIS will is best and HE has got my back (it's like I never really learn that lesson!) So if you feel like your heart is just in need of some reassurance, here is what God wants you to remember.....

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." 

                                                                          Romans 8:28

"To humans belong the plans of the heart,
    but from the Lord comes the proper answer of the tongue."

                                                                         Proverbs 16:1

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."

                                                                         Hebrews 13:8

My heart may feel so overwhelmed so many times, but God has a plan, it is good and that will NEVER change.... oh what beautiful promises He has given us! 

Well I think that is all I have to blog for now! I hope my next post won't be so long from now!

Ta Ta For Now! 

Catching my breath...

"Happiness is a matter of one's most ordinary and everyday mode of consciousness being busy and lively and unconcerned with self."

                                                                               Iris Murdoch



     These words could not be truer for my current state of life. It's been over a month since I last updated my blog which means I am at least 3 blogs behind and I doubt I will fit everything into this one blog. but I'll see how far I get!


     At the beginning of March I had my home visit with my case worker and it went SO good! Praise the Lord! I was so excited about it and how everything was just happening so fast! I knew God was going to just do something wonderful in my life with the prospects of adopting a child! I still think He will, I just don't know when it'll happen now. This past week I have been doing a lot of reanalyzing and thinking and re-thinking things in my life and here's the conclusion I've come to:

     I would like to put my application on hold for the next few months to a year and see where God has put me by then. This decision was NOT an easy one and it makes me very sad to put this very important thing to the back burner and I know God has it in store for me to be a mom and soon. At this point I feel I need to be a little more stable and on my feet and help my family get to that place to before I bring a child into this whole  situation. It will be MUCH more beneficial for both me and my child if I am at a stable place financially, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Here are just some of the reasons why I have made this decision and why I have been caught up in such a whirlwind of madness lately:

     Unfortunately, my family has been having some problems getting our lives in order. My dad thinks it's ok to just drop everything and take off for a week and just let me pick up the slack and take care of my 2 teenage brothers and my sister is still 21 so, she's not all that interested in raising teenage boys. I love my brothers and my family, please don't get that wrong, but I'm getting a little worn down already. I am only 25, not 52 don't confuse the two and I feel as if I am taking on way to much between, a full time job, a social life and keeping track of 2 teenagers by making sure they are on time for school and are home in bed on time. 

     There has been quite a lot more that has been going on but I think this is all the most important stuff, if I was to write about EVERYTHING I have been dealing with over the past few weeks, it would be more of a novel then a blog! hey, there's an idea! a book! It could be called "....You act like I should be surprised when you called me crazy" Sounds like a best seller to me :) 

     Aside from all the thoughts and the random craziness, I've had a lot of fun spending time with my awesome friends, awesome youth group that I get to lead and my awesome boys that I would pretty much bend over backwards for. God is good. ALL THE TIME.

  

^"10 He replied, “You are talking like a foolish^[a] woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” In all this, Job did not sin in what he said."

                                                                   Job 2:10

     I'm working on being a little more like Job, whatever happens, happens, God won't forget me so I will keep trusting Him.

Good night Blogger world! 

Rollercoaster of a lifetime!

WOW. What a week! This week has been one crazy ride! Here's a run down of my week...

     Saturday: we travelled to Fort Chipywan with 9 of us(7 teens 2 leaders) in a bus for 12 hours... Nuf said. It was a good trip but it was a loooong drive!
     Sunday: I shared my testimony with the church. That was cool and then we just relaxed and hung out the rest of the day
     Monday: First day of VBS with the kids and I fell in LOVE with them! God also opened the doors for a great opportunity to reach out to the youth in the community by hanging out at the youth drop in centre. So that was good.
     Tuesday: Day 2... Interesting day. Good but interesting. We had almost double the kids from the first day! Thanks to the youth centre. Then I got a phone call from my case worker and my training course I have to take was moved from the end of April to the middle of March! Yeah for progress!
     Wednesday: VBS went great, then I got forgotten at the church for 2 hours... That was a good time! :)
     Thursday: I was getting a little tired... As I think everyone was, so you can only imagine how long the day was.... BUT THEEEENNNN.... I got another phone call :) my home visits that were supposed to start after April have been moved around cause my case worker applied and has been approved to start them early! So she's coming to see me at my house this coming Friday and Saturday!!! Yes Friday Feb 24th and Saturday the 25th woohoo!!
     Friday: I got a call through the night from a concerned sister who told me dads heart was acting up. The next day I called him and found out he was admitted to the hospital and was being sent to Edmonton cause it was an actual heart attack... Yippee.. Again.
Saturday: Traveling home.... Yowzaa. I was tired and emotional and going a little crazy. Found out when I got home the they had taken dad in for surgery and put a stint in his heart.
     Today (Sunday): Went to church, called my dad, who was discharged and he was feeling great. Now I  have watched 3 movies. It's been a very boring and quiet day...but so needed!

     Over all, yes, I've had a long up and down ride of a week for sure! But God has taught me so much over this last week, He's taught me patience, He's taught me about watching what I say, about how to listen to others and how to recognize the needs of others. There's SO much more then that that He taught me or showed me, but I don't have the time, not the energy to type it all out today... But I'll keep you posted, it's time for me to catch some zz's :)

I also added a couple pics of the team, and a few of the things we did.... Including what happens when the boys get a little overtired :)

God Bless!

Not my thoughts... not my ways...

     When I started this blog, I wanted to update it weekly.... that has proven to be a lot harder then it sounds. I wanted it to be awesome, thought provoking and inspiring, instead, I'm finding myself having a VERY difficult time collecting all my thoughts into one simple, organized, sense making post! I've started and erased this post at LEAST  5 times already!


     This week in particular has been difficult, my thoughts have been consumed with baby names, definitions of baby names, work, who I will marry someday, who I WANT to marry someday, finances, getting a legal will and who I would leave my future child with if I should die before they are 18, what would my mom have to say about all this? how long should I wait to get another kid? do I even want another kid? why am I thinking about this before I even have ONE kid?! am I going to be single forever? cause if I am.. I better buy a place, I don't want to rent forever! Will I be a good mom? what if this adoption falls through and this was all for nothing? then what! what if my child grows to hate me? I don;t think i can do this. I don;t think I'm really qualified! why would God tell me I should do this if I can't do it? That cruel to play with my emotions like that!... God would do that, He's not a mean God so this must be ok. Yes. No. Yes. No. Back. Forth. Back. Forth... you get the point and that's all in a span of 10 minutes! My brain just doesn't seem to stop these days! Thankfully, there is hope for me! When I go through times of non-stop brainwaves, worries and fears, I turn to the only one who can calm all my storms and He can lead me beside still waters... wow, still waters, what a thought my heart needs!


     I looked in my Bible app and typed into the search bar "thoughts" and I discovered, I'm not the only person to have a thinking problem! In Isaiah 55:8 God says “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. So God knew, He knew I'd go through times where my thoughts would drive me crazy! He knew that I would have all these doubts and fears in my mind and He reassures me that, He also has thoughts about me and my life and His thoughts are NOT the same as mine! So that must mean they are good! How awesome is that! 


     While I was searching I also found it interesting to see that a lot of the verses on thoughts were from the book of Psalms, many times David speaks of wrestling with his thoughts and how they have caused him a lot of grief. I found this so interesting because God and David were pretty tight. David was known as the "man after God's own heart" and even he had these times of wrestling with his own thoughts. Yet God has assured him and me and you that, His thoughts and ways are not ours....


     So this post about all my mixed up thoughts and emotions I guess really boil down to one very important topic.... Trust... sigh ...  but I'll save that topic for next weeks post :)


-Adios.

Every adventure needs a first step!

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."-Corrie Ten Boom       Very wise words from a very beautiful woman.... It just simply blows my mind when I think about those words. I am so glad we have a God who we know and trust and who is always there guiding us.       This past weekend I definitely felt that trust and peace in trust as I put a huge piece of my heart on display for all to see when I announced in church my plans to adopt a child.... yup! I'm gonna be a mom! (well if all goes well yes, I will be) I was SOOO excited to share this news and yet so scared at the same time. I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off my chest, I can be open about it and don't have to feel nervous about it any longer.      I know this is not going to be an easy road and there will be days that I'm seriously wondering what I'm doing. But I do know I'm doing the right thing because I believe that when God calls you to do something, you don't need to justify it for anyone else and you sure don't have to worry that He won't help you through it! Sometimes this is easier said then done but thats when friends and family and church family comes into place to lift me up and pray for me right? So now you know why I started this blog in the first place, it's so that I can really keep you posted on this for real adventure I'm on, it's so I can share my experiences, stories and probably even frustrations, I'm kind of wearing my heart on my sleeve when it comes to this blog but I think it's just what I will need to get through some days.       So far I haven't even gotten very far in the whole process, I have filled out application forms and done both criminal and CYIM checks so now I just need to go through the home visits and then I will be in the data base and the waiting game begins! I am so excited to see what God is going to do in my life and yet I'm so scared because I know what He's capable of...Anything! But He is good and He has given me so many promises in His word that I know whatever He has planned for me will be good.... no not just good but great! and beyond anything I could have imagined!      I even have some pictures to go along with each step!! woohoo for visuals!       Here is the actual form I had to fill out if you can't read it, it says at the top:  Application to Adopt a Child. Yup, I got butterflys when I read that!         Ready to be mailed out! I needed to make sure it had enough postage to get to High Level! :) I was going to take an actual picture of me putting it in the mail box but there were people checking the mail and watching me so I chickened out!      Thank you so much for reading and I am so excited to share each step in this adventure with you! Later.

A few thoughts to start this adventure

   So here I am, writing my very first blog, I feel so liberated! so, technologically advanced! so, so, so..... okay really I don't feel any different at all, I just figured I'd start a blog about my boring little life to see if anyone would be interested in hearing what I have to say :)

   Since I did title this blog "A few thoughts to start this adventure" let's start the adventure!! But I'll keep it short because my brain is getting tired and ready to shut down so... Here's my thoughts....

Thought 1: I think blogging will be great for my health. I've always been much better at expressing myself through writing then any other form of communication, so when life gets me down or when I want to shout something from the rooftops... I can do so with the help of my dear friend the Internet and of course blogger.com... It'll be therapeutic.

Thought 2: The so called "adventure" that was named in the title of this blog is basically my way of saying this year.. as in, 2012 (just in case you missed new years eve) I am looking forward to this year, it will be scary, it will be exciting and it will be life changing, I just know it will be. I'm so excited to share it with... you.

Thought 3: Why am I not in bed yet?.... seriously this was all I could think of at this point, but alas! the blog must go on!

Thought 4: According to Dictionary.com the definition for the word adventure is as follows:

   ad·ven·ture   [ad-ven-cher] 

1. an exciting or very unusual experience.

2. participation in exciting undertakings or enterprises: the spirit of adventure.

3. a bold, usually risky undertaking; hazardous action of uncertain outcome.

4. a commercial or financial speculation of any kind; venture.

5. Obsolete .

    a.peril; danger; risk.

    b.chance; fortune; luck.

   verb (used with object)

6. to risk or hazard.

7. to take the chance of; dare.

8. to venture to say or utter: to adventure an opinion.

That is one powerful word, my personal favorite is "a bold, usually risky undertaking; hazardous action of uncertain outcome" How awesome does that sound? 

Thought 5: now it's REALLY time to hit the hay!

So when I think about the adventures I've been through in this past year, I can't wait to discover the "uncertain outcome" of what this years holds in store for me! and I can't wait to share it all with you!

Peace. Out.