What it feels like...

So there is this WONDERFUL song by a band called FFH called "What it feels like" and the chorus goes like this: 

"This may not be the road I would choose for me, 

But it still feels right somehow,

And I have never felt you as close to me, as I do right now

.....so this is what it feels like to be led." 

This song has made a TREMENDOUS impact on my way of thinking... especially now that I'm not in Kansas anymore! (I'm also not Dorothy nor do I have a dog named Toto BUT you get the point, this world is not what I'm used to!) So often I think, why did I deserve all this? It's to much for one person! I'm only 25 and there is a house to buy and make sure I can pay for every month, 2 teenagers to love and feed, a youth group to be an example to (which I feel like I've been failing miserably at lately) and numerous other issues I have to conquer daily.. I CAN'T DO IT GOD!!!! 

It's then in those fears, doubts and questions where God places this song in my heart and reminds me that, no I can't do anything in my own strength.... but I can do all things through HIM who GIVES me strength. My fears are most definitely conquered then but, at least then I can rest assured that God hasn't forgotten me, in fact He's gone ahead of me, He knows whats ahead... and He's still leading me forward... God is truly good isn't He? He knows life sucks and that it is just downright ugly and uneasy sometimes... yet He is with us leading us through still waters, showing us that the storms will come and go but His way is always best for us, I didn't say easiest, don't get me wrong... not easy, but it is whats best.  

So yeah, like I was saying about the song, this isn't the life I would choose for myself, if it was up to me, I'd be married with like 2 kids right now, we'd have a cute little acreage and a nice dog named rover, and my mom would be here and her and my dad and siblings would come for lunch, or we'd go there every Sunday after Church.... THAT'S a life to many people take for granted! BUT here I am, single, buying a house in town, raising 2 teenage boys with my parents both not here on Sundays for lunch.... glorious.

But I do feel those small loving reminders from God though, when I hear my boys laughing with each other (yes I call them mine, I've earned it!) or when Jeremy says "finally, I can pack a real lunch to school and it'll taste awesome!" or when I tell Alex that I'll be the proudest mom at his high school grad in a couple years (thinking he'll comment on the 'mom' thing) and he is very quick to say "yeah, probably the loudest and YOUNGEST mom there to!" :). But I think the real kicker is when my 16 year old, yells up the stairs "GOOD NIGHT, I LOVE YOU!!" yeah... those are the things that remind me, this isn't for nothing.... 

"And I have never felt you as close to me, as I do right now.... so this is what it feels like to be led...."

Well there you have it folks! my first blog, on this side of "Oz". Thanks for taking this journey with me!

Toodles! 

The heart of things...

So since my last post, here is what has been going on in my life/heart...


My Dad one day informs me that he is going to start looking for a job and will be moving to Peace River soon... So we make a plan. Dad THEN decides, the plan takes to long, so again, he informs me that he has randomly walked off his current job and is moving to Peace River... TODAY, as in that day. It was a grand time. I then thought to myself, "what about the boys?!" then began the week full of choices... and not the easy "white or brown bread?" choices it was more like "sacrifice my own child I'm in the process of adopting? or take in my brothers and make sure they are taken care of until they are of age?" yeah... that kind of decision. My heart was at war with... well my heart. I then heard some quotes that changed the way my heart felt...


 "I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me.  They have clung to me all my life."  ~Abraham Lincoln

"If you have a mom, there is nowhere you are likely to go where a prayer has not already been."  ~Robert Brault

"All women become like their mothers.  That is their tragedy.  No man does.  That's his."  ~Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, 1895

"Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother."  ~Oprah Winfrey 

These quotes reminded me of my mother, it was also so close to mothers day that I was thinking about her a lot anyway and when I read these I remembered how often my mom told me she prayed for me and wanted to support me in everything. She knew God had given me a heart that cares about others and she prayed for her kids and grandkids... even though she didn't get the chance to meet them. God gave her a heart that sacrificed day after day to make us kids happy and she prayed that we would in turn, follow her example and love God and our kids like she loved us. I was blessed to have such a beautiful woman to guide me and pray for me all those years..... anyway, now I'm rambling.... BACK to my story!

I felt like if my mom could make those sacrifices and pray for me all those years... I could do the same, people keep telling me I am so much like her anyway!... So I made the difficult choice to put my adoption on hold and am in the process to become a legal guardian for two teenage boys. I'll also be buying the house my dad was living in so that they have a place to call home..... It blows my mind how God works and changes our lives when we just let it go. These choices have been SO hard to make, I have face many trails and down days in between but through it all God is good. There have been many verses that have encouraged me along the way, God has used His Word to show me how HIS will is best and HE has got my back (it's like I never really learn that lesson!) So if you feel like your heart is just in need of some reassurance, here is what God wants you to remember.....

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." 

                                                                          Romans 8:28

"To humans belong the plans of the heart,
    but from the Lord comes the proper answer of the tongue."

                                                                         Proverbs 16:1

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."

                                                                         Hebrews 13:8

My heart may feel so overwhelmed so many times, but God has a plan, it is good and that will NEVER change.... oh what beautiful promises He has given us! 

Well I think that is all I have to blog for now! I hope my next post won't be so long from now!

Ta Ta For Now!